Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
