i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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