sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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