exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
