It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
