ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
