just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
