i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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