just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
