I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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