Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
