im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
