oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
