yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
where am i from again
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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