You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
