Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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