Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
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