I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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