Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
