For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize