Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize