11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
