I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
