Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
