Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
