toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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