My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
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