Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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