Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
