Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
