This is not my ceiling
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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