also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
