The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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