Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
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