...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
