she takes plan B like it's going out of style
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
