How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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