Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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