Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
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