just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I love how my cats smell like pot.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
