Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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