Non-Jews are for practice
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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