I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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