did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
She needs sedatives and a leash
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Randomize
