Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
