saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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