I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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