im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
