That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
