This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
