My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
