I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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