Moan for me like Helen Keller
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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