i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
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