Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
