I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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