I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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