At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
