i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
