On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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