Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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