I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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