I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
