Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize