I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Life without a bra equals bliss.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
