I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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