Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
